What Goes Around Comes Back Around

Hello, my name is I Do Expert and I am a judger.

We’ve all heard the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover” right? But everyone does! Do you know how many bad books I have sitting on my shelves because I thought the cover looked fun or cute! Well when I met Melissa and Ryan, I judged, oh boy did I judge!

Melissa and Ryan arrived at my office for the first consultation separate...in his and her black Range Rovers.

ALERT....ALERT....Judgement #1 this is going go to be a NICE wedding reception, I know that’s terrible, I am ashamed to admit it!

They walked into my office hand in hand, young, smiling and eager to meet.

ALERT....ALERT....Judgement #2 - this is going to be a really FUN wedding reception.

These two looked so in love that they could have been that couple in the silver picture frame that we buy for friends getting married. This is going to be a good one! I will admit, coming off of a slow winter, I was pretty excited.

When I met Melissa and Ryan (all judgements aside) I really liked them. I thought they were fun, young and nice, everything a wedding planner hopes for! I remember thinking Ryan was a little quiet, but most grooms are. I am not sure if it is nerves or maybe just wanting to go with the flow to make his blushing bride happier and saying yes to everything she wants, but I found out later why he was so terribly quiet.

They signed the contract and paid a deposit. I was still optimistically excited about working with this couple. I even referred them to the I Do Decorator, thinking she would have just as much fun with them. She called and thanked me for the referral.

It was a quick planning process, thank goodness. Ryan and Melissa came to me only 4 months before their nuptials. Soon it began. The phone calls, the emails, the constant-ness of Melissa. (She OBVIOUSLY has never read “It’s a Nice Day for a White Wedding” on my blog, since she violated almost every rule and piece of advise given!)

Over the next four months, every single day went a little something like this.

Monday - 8:00 am

Voicemail: “Hi I Do Expert, this is Melissa, I hope you had a really nice weekend. I have a questions about the size of the tables. Call me whenever you have time.”

Monday - 8:45 am

Voicemail: “Hi again, it’s Melissa, can you call me when you get this?”

Monday - 9:06 am

Email: “I Do Expert, I just left you a voicemail. I have a question. PLEASE call me back.”

Monday - 9:09 am Phone Call

Melissa: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi Melissa! It’s the I Do Expert, how are you? I got your...”

Melissa: “Where have you been? I have been trying to get a hold of you!!”

Me: “I know, I got your multiple voicemails and emails. Are you okay? Is everything ok?”

Melissa: “Yes everything is fine. I just NEED to know the size of the tables!” (she’s out of breath at this point and possibly near panic attack at this point).

Me: “Okay, just calm down. Do you mean the tables for your escort cards? Guest Tables? Which tables do you need dimensions for, all of them?”

Melissa: “GUEST TABLES!!!!!!!!!!!!”

After moving the handset of my phone to the ear that had an intact ear drum from not being assaulted by Melissa’s shrilling. I calmly said “Oh the guest tables did you say? They are 60 inches across. So if you want a linen to be floor length the would need to be....”

Melissa: “OMG! Thanks so much I Do Expert!!! You are the best! Have a great day!”

ALERT.....ALERT......Judgement #3 - I am 97% sure Melissa is bipolar or unstable or has some disorder where Prozac should be prescribed.

Each day I walked into work, I would peek at my phone with sheer terror - how many voicemails do I have? 3? 4? 5? 14!!!!! I have 14 voicemails over night? These better not be from Melissa!!

“You have fourteen voicemail messages” the little woman trapped inside my telephone tells me.

First Message “Hi I Do Expert! It’s Melissa........”


Second Message “It’s Melissa......”


Third Message “Hi. It is now 8:15 am. I have called and emailed. Please return my call immediately.”


Fourth Message “Hey! It’s me (I Do Decorator), thanks for the referral! She seems so nice, her name is Melissa.”


Messages five, nine, eleven, twelve, thirteen and fourteen were all Melissa.

ALERT.....ALERT....Judgement #4 I am 100% certain that Melissa needs Prozac.

I immediately got onto my computer and Googled “Bridezillas.” Maybe they can share this woman’s crazy with the world.

Well, faithful readers, you get the point. Day after day, I was inundated by Melissa, her voicemails, emails and craziness. I won’t bore you with the months of daily crazy.

Moving forward four months to the weekend of the blessed nuptials. I kept telling myself “Just make it through this weekend. It will all be over soon!” So Friday, was decorating day with the bride and her loyal maids. These girls were....well, let’s just say they weren’t kind. I didn’t think the day of decorating with the “special” ladies was ever going to end. When it did, and the room was to the brides liking, we were done. The bridesmaids were off for mani's and pedi's then to the rehearsal. No one offered for me to get a mani and pedi, but c’est la vie!

Finally the wedding is here. Someone at my office gave out my personal cell phone numbers, SOOOOO my Saturday morning was NOT relaxing. Between phone calls from Melissa, her mom, and her future mother-in-law, I was off and running.

I always try to tell brides that timelines are great, and can only be estimations. Usually the bridal party gets behind schedule and that’s fine; enjoy the time with family, friends and new spouse! Melissa wasn’t having that. When she said pictures would be finished at the church at 5:45 p.m. and the bridal party would be heading to the reception location, she meant it. Unfortunately, one of the bridesmaids didn’t make it on the party bus with the rest of the group. She arrived about ten minutes later in the car of a friend. The bridesmaid was in the restroom fixing her hair, which Melissa told her “was an embarrassment and ruined her ceremony” when the party bus left. Thank goodness this young woman had a cell phone to call someone to get her, although had it been me, I believe I would have called someone to come and get me, but not take me to the reception.

Once the bridesmaid made it to the reception hall, we ushered her to the head table to take her seat, although she could have found it herself by following the laser beams the bride was shooting at her. That’s right, Melissa and Ryan, continued with getting announced without the stranded bridesmaids. I immediately grabbed the bridesmaid a very strong adult beverage, on my tab, and took it to her at the table. Thank graciously thanked me with tears in her eyes. Part of me wanted to smack her in the face, wake her up from the nightmare and tell her to get the heck out of dodge. She stayed, smiled and participated in the rest of the wedding reception from the bouquet toss to the chicken dance. Later that night I said to her, “Why did you even come here after she left you?” And the woman simply said “She is my friend; I was honored she asked me to participate in her day; I made a commitment to her and Ryan; and she made me spend $400 on this dress and I was going to dance in it.” This woman wins my Bridesmaid of the Year award.

We have all experienced moments observing someone do something, then hope and pray that karma comes back to kick them in the ass. That is exactly why I was cracking up laughing when at the end of the reception, as the limo pulled up to whisk the happy newlyweds off to the airport to begin their honeymoon I could hear Melissa screaming at someone on her cell phone about having to change their airline tickets to depart Monday instead of Sunday followed closely by the eight groomsmen carrying a passed out groom to the limo. Ahhhhh sweet justice!

I like to believe that I can learn something from every person I meet. I learned exactly how not to treat people from Melissa, I learned to never judge a book by its cover and I also learned grace under pressure from the bridesmaid.

Without Judgement,

I Do Expert

1 comment:

  1. seriously? you should write a book! forget about a blog...